Beating The Odds Blog - Anxiety & I

Anxiety and I have a long standing relationship - it’s improving.

Sweating in a queue trying to find change or my bank card is the worst. My body temperature goes through the roof and my face goes all shiny no primer or fixing spray can save me. Believe me.

If you have anxiety, social anxiety in particular you’ll understand about hating letting people down but the fear is just over-fucking-whelming. Which is what I’ve done to a family member recently. I couldn’t tell him the truth, in fact I never said anything at all because I was scared and embarrassed. I just didn’t show up.

It was his daughters christening and I bottled last minute because I was petrified that my Dad was going to be there. I didn’t want to ask in case he said yes, because my family would’ve found out and I didn’t want to create a situation on the day. See the thing is, I don’t talk to him. I haven’t really had a relationship with him since I was 13 - I’m now 26. He’s dipped in and out since, making a feeble attempt at parenting.

I used to work in Bicester Village for Versace when I was 19, he shows up at my work out of the blue (after letting me down again after my Grandad died a year before), brazen as hell and asks me how I was. I pretty much ran off and cried, he then gave my boss £50 to give to me. My Mum was furious and I’m being polite about that.

He never attended a parents day, sports day, didn’t financially support my Mum - didn’t see the point as only extra gas, electric and food was the extra expense and my Mum, who bought me up on a council estate and worked 6 days a week could apparently afford that on her own.

He also got baptised a couple of years ago, inviting both of my brothers and not me... He didn’t actually tell me about it. A man of God. He made me independent but he also made me weak. He’s never apologised for his behaviour and I’ve come to terms with that. It’s been a long road.

I always thought my anxiety started when I was 21, it didn’t. It started the way before that, when one relationship ended, another began. I’ve always been scared of people leaving me. Abandonment issues, the first man that was supposed to love me didn’t do it very well and I was left with the consequences. Which were bad decisions and very bad taste in men - I’ve always tried to fix them. FYI never try to fix someone it doesn’t work.

I’ve struggled for years to overcome the anxiety of people leaving me, the abandonment issues and the daddy issues. I’ve been in emotionally abusive relationships, encountered sociopaths, allowed men to cheat on me and placed myself in situations that were not normal.

These situations were destroying my life. I had to start taking accountability for the things I could control though. It wasn’t my fault what had happened to me but it was and very much still is my responsibility to fix it.

I don’t actually hold any malice - well not half as much as I did in my early 20’s towards my Dad - I explained 2 situations but there were many more (I.e the day we fell out he called my Mum a shit parent, said I was a bad breed child, talked shit about me because I lived on a council estate and said it all came from my mums side of the family because he was perfect) because it wasn’t serving me, I wasn’t progressing in my life and it was holding me back. I just cannot be in the same vicinity as him incase it triggers me off.

Everybody has a back story to their mental health. Each is unique but it has an effect how they think, behave, value and treat themselves and other people.

I’m getting through it by finding my worth, creating standards and boundaries and trying so hard to not let people cross them. People that do, don’t respect me. If people don’t respect me then they have no place in my life. It’s very simply to say but harder to practice, I’m working on it.

The next step for me is overcoming my past decisions and actions - I’ve made some bad ones and I want to draw a close to the feelings I have. There are some things that I really regret. We all have regrets. My aim is to let go, accept and learn. My anxiety is beginning to agree, she has her down days too but we’re working on it.



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